Goodbye Old Friend

You came into our lives when there was only us two. I surprised Shawn by giving him a collar for his birthday, and we excitedly looked at "Teddy" pictures on the very slow internet. You were "Teddy" then, but you were ours since the first time we saw your puppy picture on the Collie rescue site.

We drove and drove and stayed in a cheap motel when we went to get you. We were in for a big shock when we pulled up to the decrepit farm, AKA "Collie and Newfoundland Rescue of Wisconsin". Shawn got mauled by a Newfie puppy (knocked him right down again and again). We should have brought some respirators for the trip inside. The carpet squished with dog pee as we walked. The rescue lady was a tad bit crazy and I remember her without teeth. We couldn't get out fast enough.

We saw your cute puppy self in your cage outside and tried our best to get you to walk towards our car. We soon learned how stubborn you were. Leash walking would be a long process, and any pressure in any form made you sink your paws into the earth. This pretty much continued with anything we tried to get you to do your whole life. Shawn could relate to this, being a stubborn kindred spirit, and you were fast friends.

We named you Riff because of the reference to Riff Randle from Rock n Roll High School. It could've easily been 'Alf' or 'Chewbaka' because of your love of cats and your beautiful singing voice. Looking back, it really should have been Joey, after your father Joey Ramone, who you got your long face and dorky mannerisms. We spent lots of time in the early years hiking around Duluth every chance we could. While your love for your dog brother was immediate, his attachment to you took its time, but once it came, it settled deep into Bill's bones and made him shine with love for your each time you cleaned his ears, chased squirrels together, ganged up on neighboring Border Collies or got treats together from the mail lady.

Soon after Aidan was born, we moved into our own place with a fenced in yard. Your dog world was rocked. You loved the freedom to move beyond the confines of a tie-out and quickly turned into the neighborhood barker--especially notifying everyone far and wide when a skateboarder dared to pass by. And if you could escape, look out all-contraptions-that-move-or-make-noise: you were on the attack, be it vacuum cleaner or four-wheeler or weed wacker. When Aidan got old enough to run around, you loved to nip his heels and diaper butt, and pretty successfully got him to go where you wished.

On the day Nevie was entering into the world, you and your dog brother Bill were both a source of strength and serenity to me. I gazed out onto the lawn inbetween my contractions and saw your smiling faces shining back at me by the crab apple tree, telling me with your eyes that I could do it, and that you were excited to meet the new little one.

Soon after Nevie's arrival, we welcomed Grunty the cat into our busy household. I thought your heart would explode. Nothing could have been more exciting than a kitten in your world. You made out with him (at the time we thought he was a she, not that it matters-you can make out with anyone you want). You chased him. You pinned him down with your paws and licked him. He would bat his paws at you, but never out of fear or contempt. Grunty loved every bit of attention you gave him.

We added yet another little one to the mix. You put your long nose on my lap and I stroked your face minutes after Liam was born. I shared takeout with you and Bill while Liam had his first taste of milk. When Liam started crawling, you were his favorite obstacle to move over. This escalated into Liam attempting to ride you. You were not impressed, but patiently took it or quickly got out of the way.

As time went on, your bones got older, your body was slower, and your days were spent soaking up the sun in the yard. Our lives got busier, and walks became fewer. We told ourselves that it would hurt your bones to walk more. You got more mischievous and made friends with our 80 year old neighbor, who always had time for you. You'd trek over there and dine on bread soaked in whatever animal fat she was cooking with that day, surrounded by pigeons. Doris loved your visits and I'm sure she will be sad to hear you attempted to say goodbye one last time prior to passing on.

We watched your eyes turn a bit more inward. We saw you struggle to walk out the door. Our hearts broke to see you fall over and over, your old hind legs unable to keep yourself up. You looked at us with painful eyes and we knew it was time.

Aidan knew this day would come, but could never really be prepared. The night before, his anger was fierce and his questioning revealing of his pain. "This isn't natural!" he yelled, "God isn't making him die--you are!", and most heart wrenching "If I start hurting and medicine doesn't work, will you kill me? Wouldn't you just hold me and rock me gently? Isn't that what we should do?". All I could do was tell him how hard this was, and that his questions are all ones I struggle with too.

Nevie didn't get the concept yet of death being forever. When we talked about it, she would start randomly singing an unrelated song or smile blankly back at us.

And your Shawn. How his heart broke in two when he knew this was your last day. I stayed strong and didn't let myself think about it too deeply, knowing I couldn't quite yet, not with everyone looking to me to keep it together. I had passing thoughts of wondering if I've turned cold and unfeeling.

The day we said goodbye, prior to picking the kids up from school, you knew these were your last hours. You hadn't really walked or got yourself up for a few days. But suddenly, you were up and literally breaking through the gate. A dog who couldn't make it across the kitchen floor without falling. You didn't wait for us, just started walking out on your own. You circled the neighborhood, greeting a new neighbor dog, and slowly sauntering to your beloved Doris' house. You lingered here the longest, like you were waiting for Doris poke her head out the kitchen window, to come out and greet you with snacks. It broke my heart that you didn't want to go home. I'll forever wonder what you were trying to say. I followed you and kept my nose behind a camera, taking pictures.

We picked up the kids and petted you, read you poems and told you of our favorite time spent with you. You panted out hot breath and kissed us & your dog brother & your kitten lover. You walked yourself to the car. Shawn said his goodbye and couldn't watch you go. With shallow breaths I stood by your side.

I encircled your head in my arms and buried my head deep into your lion mane and you slipped away quietly, gently. Only after you left did I let my tears come and really feel your loss.

Thank you for so many loving moments filled with your wild barking, your little kisses, your kind eyes and your enormous heart. We love you so much and will miss you dearly.